I've always struggled with my memory. I remember very little from my early childhood and seem to lose more and more with each passing year. It has always bothered me, but I know now the cause: Neurological Lyme Disease. Looking back through my life since my diagnosis with Lyme Disease has been fascinating, to say the least. I now have an answer to so many questions...so many medical mysteries. The more I read, the more I understand that the spirochetes attacking my brain could be causing many of the symptoms I experience on a daily basis: memory loss, brain fog, anxiety, depression, difficulty making decisions and challenges with reading, writing and speaking.Over the past few months, I have had perhaps my most bizarre symptom appear: random memories. Now, I don't mean Deep Thoughts so before you start quoting Jack Handey from Saturday Night Live, let me explain. A few months ago, I would be going through my day and then - BAM! - the most random memory would pop up. And when I mean random, I mean R-A-N-D-O-M. For example, I have revisited an uneventful grocery store run; a random college lecture; a boring and long-forgotten meeting from my corporate days; cleaning my apartment in my pre-marriage/pre-kid years; walking across the college quad to class eating pretzels and drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper; and on and on and on.
At first, I found it odd. Now, I find it kind of like a mini-mental vacation; a vacation from chronic illness. It is a glimpse back to some pretty nondescript, uneventful times in my life, sure. And, yes, a more meaningful memory would most certainly be a better choice for a mental vacation. But, I don't have control over these thoughts. They just pop in whenever they want. And it IS taking me back to the years where I was blissfully ignorant: eating what I wanted, taking my energy (waning but definitely more plentiful) for granted, taking one vitamin a day instead of fifty, worrying about boys and bills and my next career move...living my life unaware of what chronic illness can do to a person. It's like going back in time, where I don't know what it feels like to be exhausted all the time or how frustrating it can be living 24-7 with a muddled brain that makes it difficult to speak and write. Best of all, I love those moments, because they remind me of the time before I knew my children could suffer a horrible illness because of me, undeniably the worst part of this whole ordeal.
Ignorance is bliss, they say. I suppose that's true. I wouldn't change my life...my wonderful husband and children or the career I love...but, if those random memories help me endure the difficult days of treatment until I can get to better days, I won't complain...I'll just embrace the random.
*Anyone else share this odd symptom? I would love to hear about it! I find it all fascinating. Plus, it would make me feel less crazy. :) Please comment below.Be a Fan
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